I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Books are my kind of texts.
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
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