A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Nice pumpkins!
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
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