The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
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