Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
As it snow happens.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
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