Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
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