“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"You're the wine that I want."
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