What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
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