Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
You are the square to my root.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Go to BabaMail
