I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Do you wanna go to a restaurant?
You can't spell “menu” without me and u.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
It’s party thyme.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amish!
Amish who?
You're not a shoe!
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