What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
You're my eggnog: sweet, chill, and delish.
Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
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