What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
I want you more than I want world peace.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Here's to a big opening weekend.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
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