How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
I dreamt about you. You died.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Baby, meeting you was better than an NHL lockout ending.
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
Go to BabaMail
