Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
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