What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
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