What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I feel tail great!
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Goat milk?
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Practice safe text: use commas.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
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