Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
Sip, sip, horray!
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
One more thyme.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
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