You really flipturn me on.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Sleigh, what?!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
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