Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
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