This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Poor white splash.
Hey girl, do you ref during the playoffs? Cause you look like you can swallow a whistle.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Up to snow good.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
These decorations are tree-mendous.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
You knead me in your loaf.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
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