“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
I love your energy.
“Excercise? I thought you said extra fries.”
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I'm acorn-y person.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
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