Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Your love will always be up to par.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
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