My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Seed between the lines.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Don't even chai.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
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