Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Know what? I dig you, really!
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
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