It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion

I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.

Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.

"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.

There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.

I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...

But it's up there.

Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.

What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.

Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.

I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."

Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?

“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown

"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.

My fridge is hotter than you.

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!

The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!

What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.

What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort

What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.

"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."

- Unknown

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

Wanna churn butter with me?

Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.

Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.

You’re as sweet as Pi.

I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.

What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.

What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.

Why did the larger car go first?

It had the right of weigh.

Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!

I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.