Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
"You can't beat me."
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Go to BabaMail
