Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
"Sip, sip hooray."
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Whatever floats your goat.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
You mermaid to go far.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
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