If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Husband material.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
You’re sweeter than fructose.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Hello Boo-tiful.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
My love for you simply radiates.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
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