What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Variety is the ice of life.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
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