My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
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