My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
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