It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Take off all your cloves.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
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