Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
Leave poetry to the prose.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
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