What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
"On cloud wine."
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
You can put your hands at my heart’s center.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
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