What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
You are so right. And I am so left.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
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