Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Look for a rainbow connection.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Birch, please.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
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