Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
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