How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Every function without you will always be void of love.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
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