“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
We’re mint to be.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
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