The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Go to BabaMail
