What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Sip, sip, horray!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
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