There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
I'm snow bored.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Only a**holes use bidets.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
I always have a ball with you.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
After all is sled and done.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
Sleigh, what?!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
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