Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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