Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
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