My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
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