What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
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