A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Better read than dead.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
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