I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.

You’re a cutie 3.14159265359

I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.

John, you have so much po(tato)tential!

Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

Beer-lieve it or not!

"Some bunny loves you."

If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.

What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.

What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.

I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.

So … do you run here often?

What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.

What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

"Maybe this is not the right time for us"

“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.

Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.

Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.

Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.

You have one compact set.

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”

- Robert Fros

"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.

Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.

Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.

“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.

I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet

Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.

Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."

What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.

Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

How do you know when an avocado is ripe?