I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Never has there been a more romantic story than how those two geologists met.
It was lava at first sight.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
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