"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
I sulfur when you argon.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
I feel like we're in tune
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Drink happy thoughts.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
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