How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
You leave me Wonton more.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
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