Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Time to celery-brate.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
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