"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Can’t pinch this.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Love me do
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