What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
"You can't sip with us."
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
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