It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Want to lock our bikes together?
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
There’s snow one like you.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
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