What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Come witch me to the party.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
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