Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
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