What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !

Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle

Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

You and I could totally melt my igloo.

I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Irish you luck.

Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings

“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux

The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.

“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.

“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”

Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.

What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.

Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.

My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

I’ve been getting blitzed all game

Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.

Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:

I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.

My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.

“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

She has high elf-esteem.

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.

What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.

How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.

Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.

What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.

Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.

“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

So how many cats do you have?

How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.

What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.

Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.

What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”