My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Go to BabaMail
