Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
"Time wounds all heels."
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
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