What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
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