Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
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