What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I really caribou-t you.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
Treat yo shelves.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
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