My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I love when you coddle me.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
I would tell you more chemistry pick-up lines, but all the good ones Argon!
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
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