Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
You’re right up my alley.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
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