You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
The boot black brought the black boot back.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Hey, can I get your number so I can use you as an alibi?
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
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