What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Wish upon a starfish.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
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