What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
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