"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Let’s make some pour decisions.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I’ll never leaf you.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
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