My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
"I'm a Taurus, and I defy you to find someone more stubborn, opinionated, and determined than me."
— Gary Garrison
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
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