I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
Go to BabaMail
