Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
So how many cats do you have?
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Are you a can of bear spray? ‘Cause you really spice things up around here.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
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