What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.
Whatever coats your boat.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
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