Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Your lab or my lab?
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
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