I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
You're just my cup of tea!
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
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