What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
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