Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
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