Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
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