My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
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