The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
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